learning to put myself first

“Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” – audre lorde

i’ve been thinking a lot about self-care and what it means to be assertive with others in a kind way that still allows me a modicum of dignity. and i’ve been thinking about how easy it is to always work in the service of someone else’s feelings when i think i have a lot at stake and to neglect my own or keep giving so many chances that forgiveness is rendered meaningless.

mostly i’ve been trying to be gentle with myself, to acknowledge when i hurt or feel loss, but to keep going and learn from that. i’m considering what friendship means, where my weaknesses are as a friend, but also what my dealbreakers are when it comes to someone’s behavior that makes me feel poorly about myself. i’ve come to a place where i don’t need a friendship so badly that i’ll accept someone’s shit over and over.

i have a long way to go when it comes to listening to the people i love, staying engaged with what they’re doing, and not talking at them. i’m working on it.

i’ve been trying to go to bed earlier. i’ve have taken care of some health issues, have been more organized at home, have been reading more. i’m trying to spend less time on social media, but specifically facebook, recently. i’m not always successful with that, but i’m going to keep trying because, honestly, sometimes it really makes my heart hurt and makes me feel more alone and separate.

sometimes being single is really difficult. i watch my friends date and i wonder what’s wrong with me that no one’s really been responsive to me on dating sites or whatever. i feel lonely; i want someone to do things with. but a lot of time, i’m also okay with being on my own. i’ve come to appreciate my alone time to do whatever i want and the freedom that comes along with not having to consult with a partner.

whenever i hear the voice in my head start to tell me i’m worthless, i try to counter it with some sort of action that makes me feel good. i’ve been hearing that voice a lot recently, especially about my body. i don’t like it, because in the end, it just makes me inactive. i don’t enjoy wallowing like i used to and so i avoid it whenever i’m able.

all of this to say, it’s a process i’m undergoing and i’m going to keep working on it. because i’m worth it. because understanding myself is important. because i deserve better. because i’m not at all the failure i think myself to be. because i love hard and i’m loved as well, even when i can’t see it. because it’s a political act to enjoy yourself and your own time when everything says we have to be connected to people and media constantly, and because single women are considered spinsters and washed up and i want to undo that message in my own head. because it’s survival.

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learning to put myself first

something coming soon…

i took a much-needed two-day break from social media and reading the news. i totally own the inherent privilege in being able to take a break. but quite honestly, it’s not like i stopped thinking about all of the stuff that’s been making me rage and sob; i just stopped feeding it into my brain via media. it helped a lot.

i have a “short bits” in progress. but i’m going to start writing an essay about white guilt. it will probably be awhile before i post it, but my main idea is this: white liberals, progressives, and leftists can stay mired in white guilt and holding themselves personally responsible for institutionalized racism (which is truly only step 1, afaic) and therefore react in a knee-jerk reaction when someone calls them out on being dismissive and racist even though we all are because we live in this society OR they can just shut up, let black people *lead* the movement to save black lives, and give support to the work of their liberation.

btw – in typical fashion, jamie and allison from citizen radio did an excellent segment on the recent bernie sanders/BLM issue. you should go listen right now.

something coming soon…

reasons to celebrate and some short bits…

Photographer: Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg *** Local Caption *** Carlos McKnight
Photographer: Andrew Harrer/Bloomberg *** Local Caption *** Carlos McKnight

hey! SCOTUS finally did the right thing on friday! (well, and thursday with the ACA ruling, but let’s focus on friday for now.) what a major win for LGBTQIA people around the country. of course, i think this is really just a starting point for dealing with so many other issues that affect queer folx. as far as i’m concerned, there are more pressing issues to be addressed, but this is definitely a win!

i’m happy to say that, though, that democrats are introducing anti-discrimination legislation in july. keep pushing, everyone!

Continue reading “reasons to celebrate and some short bits…”

reasons to celebrate and some short bits…

some short bits for today…

i think i’m going to start doing a periodic list of good links to read that i don’t have a ton of commentary on, but that i think are worth your time. here we go…

some short bits for today…

we don’t write about men this way…

the article in question…

there’s an article in the new yorker, praising hillary clinton for her political acumen and intelligence. it’s as if the writer has been asleep since 1993. here’s but ONE example of how ridiculous this piece is.

Bedazzled as many in Congress were by the force of her intellect, so evident in these presentations, it was hardly an unknown quantity: her reputation as a formidable lawyer with a first-rate analytical mind had preceded her.

omg, this whole article is problematic: Continue reading “we don’t write about men this way…”

we don’t write about men this way…

what it feels like for a girl

i was writing this complicated blog post about gender essentialism and assumptions about womens’ motives, but i just can’t make a coherent argument about it. maybe one day…

instead, i’ve been thinking a lot about solitude and gender. my long term relationship ended last november. it wasn’t out of the blue, but it did completely change my life. i’ve started over on my own and it’s a strange feeling. sometimes i feel totally liberated and free, other times i feel lonely and lost.

i think part of the problem – for me and so many other people – is that i’ve lived my life thinking that romantic relationships are the solution to my problems, that i’m incomplete without romantic love. that sleeping alone is intolerable. that going to the movies by myself means i’m a loser. and on and on.

in general, doing things on my own became difficult for me sometime in my late teens. until then, i was content playing with my toys or reading by myself. in fact, i couldn’t relate with kids my age, so i didn’t hang out with them much. i usually had one or two good friends and hung out with them exclusively. later, i was someone who needed to be connected via telephone, usenet, and email all the time; recently, that’s been replaced by loading and reloading facebook, twitter, email – any site where i have an account and can interact with people, friends or strangers. in my more desperate moments, it’s as if i’m telegraphing SOS over and over. Continue reading “what it feels like for a girl”

what it feels like for a girl